I still have to do the dishes. Every time it’s the same. I also have to clean the bathroom. I should have done that last week. Why do I keep postponing it. What am I doing with my time. I’m not writing enough. I am not getting on with that book. It’s already ten. How did the time go so fast again today? Why does the time go so fast? Why did I waste so much time gaming when I was younger. I want to game now. I want to watch pornography too. I shouldn’t watch pornography. Why do I want to watch pornography? I want to see that slut in that video again. Why did I use that word? Is this how I really think of women? This not how I look at them is it? I want a smoke. Do I want a smoke? What do I want? I also have to finish writing that cover letter. I don’t write fast enough. Why do I take so much time. What if they don’t want me though? Have I already taken the wrong career decisions? Did I chose the right study? Did I make the right choices in life? I wish I could start over again, not knowing all I do now, but knowing how much more effort I should put into everything. Have I paid those bills yet? Is my salary in yet? My contract is up for renewal soon. I hope it gets renewed. I only have one more extension after that though. In need to find new work.  Why can’t we ever have jobs which are more long-term? What if there is another crash. What about my pensions? I should read that letter I received from my pension fund. It’s already October. How did the year go so fast? How did life go so fast. I have nothing yet. No career or girlfriend. What about friends? What was the last time somebody invited me to a party? What is the last time I organized one? I have become too afraid. What if nobody shows up? I’m such a coward. I should quit my job and go traveling. But what about after? Is that what I am meant to do? What are we meant to do? What if I am not being a good Christian? What if there is no God? What if the Buddha is right? I should go to a monastery. A Christian one. Like Into Great Silence. Am I too romantic? Why hasn’t this friend replied to my message yet? Which friends haven’t replied either? There is one. There is another one. Three. Four. Four? Four. Four friends. Am I bothering them? Am I boring? Maybe I am irritating. What do my other friends think of me? Do people like me at all? Is this why I am alone? Five. Why hasn’t she told me yet? The other two haven’t either. Have I wasted my time? Am I a waste of time? I still have to do the dishes.

* * *

This excerpt is a writing exercise and does not reflect my own opinions.


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